I Am the Very Model of a Modern Twitching Birdwatcher

There's a famous song in Gilbert and Sullivan's The Pirates of Penzance called "I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major-General." It's sung with gusto by a stuffy military man who's well-educated and seems to know everything about everything ... except the military.

I thought the message of the song would be a good fit for birding, where we all know someone with a life list a mile long but no clue about ornithology. (I might be one of them!)

So, I've updated the lyrics for your enjoyment. Here's the Gilbert and Sullivan version to refresh your memory on the pattern, it's pretty specific:

I am the very model of a modern twitching birdwatcher,

I’ve checked off every species between Monterrey and Labrador,

I’ve driven thirteen hours for an out-of-season Whip-poor-Will,

I skipped Thanksgiving dinner for a third-state-record Ivory Gull;

My days are spent in landfills and my nights straining for flight chip notes,

I’ve had my share of leeches and have plenty tick bite anecdotes,

About the lump/split process I am teaming with a lot o’ news,

With very strong opinions on the splitting of the Common/Mews!

I’ve ticked off every Ammodram from Saltmarsh through to Grasshopper;

I’ve spent more time in rice fields than a workaholic sharecropper;

I’ve checked off every species between Monterrey and Labrador,

I am the very model of a modern twitching birdwatcher.

I zip across the country in a birder-style Whack-a-Mole;

I’ve ticked the Social Flycatcher and Oriental Pratincole;

I’ve seen a Smew on Attu and a Thick-knee on the Rio Grande,

My Mecca is in Portal and Tortugas is the holy lands;

I’ve seen all of the warblers — Fan-tailed, Dusky, and Pallas’s Leaf;

No heron has eluded me from Chinese Pond to Western Reef;

I’ll push down all your mothers for a bird I have not seen afore;

Saw a Spoon-billed on the Pribilofs and saved a trip to Singapore!

I keep a separate checklist for each county, block and avenue,

I eBird every bird I eat, each turkey leg and cordon bleu;

In short, for every species between Monterrey and Labrador,

I am the very model of a modern twitching birdwatcher.

In fact, when I know what is meant “tibital” and “scapular”,

When I can learn the difference between hummingbird and jacamar,

When, alone, I can distinguish between jaegers and the canaries;

And I know what is meant when one says “molting of the primaries”,

When I can speak with knowledge of the lengths of supercilia —

When I split the aves from the order crocodilia —

In short, when I’ve a smattering of basic ornithology —

You’ll say no better birdwatcher has ever lifted bins as he.

My avian understanding, though I’m wealthy and unquenchable;

Is limited to rarities, thus rather one-dimensional.

But still, for every species between Monterrey and Labrador,

I am the very model of a modern twitching birdwatcher!